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April 24th, 2005

08:23 am - One good thing about this Journal, no one reads it so I can say whatever Rob and I broke up. This is sooo hard. I love him. I shouldn't be away from someone that you feel so much for. He makes me feel like someone that I never knew I was. Someone that I always wanted to be just never ever ever ever thought I could be. He makes me feel specail. Makes me feel wanted. I try to show him how much I love him and I show him to much sometimes. I push it so much. It's not that I need him in my life. I just want him to be. I wish I could just have everything be okay. I love him. Never felt like this towards anyone ever before. I still get butterflies when I first see him. Love that first kiss of the day. Love hearing his voice. I just want a happy relationship were we can be friends too. He wasn't just my boyfriend, he was my best friend. I was driving around and I had to radio on. All I heard were songs about missing someone. Wanting to be with someone. Stuff like that. Then I see all these people together couples. Kissing and holding hands and cuddling and it just really got to me. I want that with him. I feel so safe when I am with him. I don't feel like he is giong to judge me. I act so stupid and talk about myself bad, he just tryed to tell me that I have a nice body and all. I just want my dream boy back. But I really don't think that is going to happen. I really think he is going to not want to go back out with me. I just want him to be happy and if that isn't with me, it's going to break my heart, but something that I will have to just get over. It wouldn't be easy at all!!!! Current Mood: confused

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April 22nd, 2005

11:42 pm - How I feel in a way... EISLEY LYRICS "Telescope Eyes" Ohh, You humor me today, Calling me out to play, With your telescope eyes, metal teeth, I can't be seen with you, Please don't make me cry, Please don't make me cry, I'm just like you I know you know, I'm just like you so leave me alone, Go cry go run away let your short legs carry you away, With your telescope eyes, metal teeth, I can't be with you, Please don't make me cry, Please don't make me cry, I'm just like you I know you know, Im just like you so leave me alone, Please don't make me cry, Please don't make me cry, I'm just like you I know you know, I'm just like you so leave me alone, Please don't make me cry, Please don't make me cry, I'm just like you I know you know, I'm just like you so leave me alone. Current Mood: sad Current Music: Eisley

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April 3rd, 2005

08:46 pm - Worst Weekend ever I spent it alone. But I was at Rob's house. Didn't see him on Saturday, he went to work then to meet up with his friend Traci. I didn't care, I was waiting for him to come home to go out for a nice dinner, then we fought for 2 and half hours. I hated it. It was horrible. I just don't know how to feel right now. It was just an unbearable weekend. I cryed to much. We were close to breaking up. I don't know what I would have done. I can't see myself without him. I love him. He owns my heart. Just thinking about it right now makes me cry. He says that I am too affectionte. It's hard to not tell him how much I love him. I don't think he understands. There is no way he could. I can't even comprehend how much I love him. I'm not going to see him all week. Except on Tuesday, which I don't even talk to him much. Not going to stay the night anymore weekends. He needs time just away from me. Give him a chance to miss him. It's going to be hard on my side, but it has to be done. I am smoothering him. I don't want to be that kind of girlfriend. I want to be a good girlfriend and if that means I have to make sacrifices then so be it. Not a permanent thing, just till we make everything better. I want this to work. I really do. He says he does too. :) I can't help but cry right now. I'm just going to be myself with him. He doesn't know it, but I have been holding myself back from him and maybe that is my problem. I am just going to be myself. I really wish the tears would stop coming. I could fill a kiddie poool with my tears right now. If I keep this up, he is going to get sick of me. I am ruining our relationship if I keep this up. I am such an idiot. God Rachel what the fuck is wrong with you!!!!! I just want to hold him right now. Just lye in his arms and cry. Just hold him soo tight and not let go! See I am a affectionate person. I want it. But I will never get it. Rob gives me attention that I have never gotten before and it's nice. He's amazing guy! He makes me so happy and he believes in me. Wants the best for me. It's a wonderful feeling to have someone actually care about you. No one in my life has ever said the things to me that he does. I don't know. It's been one day, have to wait and see what happens. Let everything happen naturally. If it happens where we aren't supposed to be together, then my heart is broken. And if it happen that we are supposed to be together then I am the happiest girl ever! Current Mood: sad

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February 24th, 2005

10:18 am - My life I look at myself threw a window The window is covered in rain I see a girl But it's not me A girl that doesn't know what to do In a place she has never been before Looking like she doesn't know what to do She doesn't smile Her eyes are sore from crying She has a face that with no expression She is a no one in her own eyes Current Mood: gloomy

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February 20th, 2005

09:23 am - Long time, no talk It's been awhile. My mind has been all over the place. Rob and I have been great! Couldn't love him more!! :) Just got back from seeing my old friend Cindy. He daughter is turning 2 next Friday. It makes me so want to have a baby. I know that isn't going to happen. Oh well. Not in a relationship that that could happen. Oh well, can't get everything I want. Lately I have been just thinking about my life and where I wanted it to go. I think that's what I have wanted. Just to find someone to be with and have it mature. I don't know. It isn't going to happen. And will never happen. It saddens me, but just one of those things that I have to deal with. Been talking to Jen about it.... BlOnDeStArS23:I really think he would make an amazing daddy justJenn846: yeah he would be a cool dad BlOnDeStArS23: mmhmm BlOnDeStArS23: i've wanted to tell him that, but that would be really creepy justJenn846: did you say something BlOnDeStArS23: no BlOnDeStArS23: and never are gong to justJenn846: i seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Rob and I have been arguing a lot lately. All because of me. I haven't been myself. I feel really bad because I don't want to argue with him. I hate arguing. That is what kind of shit I had to deal with my last boyfriend and I don't want it. We used to not argue practially at all. And now, I have been really moody and emotional. I don't know. I hope everything gets better. I jsut have to be careful and not start anything. Well, I will update in probably the next month. That's how I roll now a days. Current Mood: bored Current Music: Hey Jealousy

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December 6th, 2004

09:17 am - Everything is great now Rob and I are happy together. Rich is out of my life. :) My life has changed so much since Rich and I aren't together. :) For the good! I never knew I could be this happy with someone. Honestly!!!! It's amazing how much one person can feel for someone. I just hope I don't bother him. I am really scared of that. I don't want him to be annoyed by me and get sick of me being around. I really hope that doesn't happen. Because I just feel so much for him. I hope he doesn't get sick of me. I really really really hope....oh so bad. On another note, my life has been okay I guess. My uncle's forgot about my birthday for the 2nd year in a row. :( oh well. I just wanted a happy birthday. I don't care about a gift, just the words, happy birthday Rachel. My one uncle says that "he has something for me" but I wouldn't be to sure about that much. I really need a better job. I am going to go to DuPage web site and look for a filing job. That is what I want to do. Be one those people in the dark room in the back of a office and just file and make copies and co-late papers. That is what I am good at. Did it at my old summer job and do some where I am now. I love it. I have no idea why. :) Just hope I can start getting some money together. It's in the air right now but I might go to New York with Rob and some other people. I kind of hope that it happens. But I have no money and I need it. Really really bad!!! But what can I do what try as hard as I can. :) Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Frozen-Madonna

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December 4th, 2004

08:12 am - It's never going to end is it.. ....Rich and I have been broken up for a month now. And he sent me an e-mail. I just want him out of my life. I really do. Is it ever going to happen? I understand that he loved me, but I don't love him. I haven't for a month now. I just want to get on with my life. It is always going to come and bite me in the ass. He will keep trying and tryin and I just fucking wish he would stop. It's making me crazy. I want nothing to do with him and I just want my life to go on with out him. I have a life with Rob and Rich just keeps every-so-often jsut pops up. I just want him to leave me alone. I don't cry anymore, and now I am. I just really want him to stop. To never see his face again, would be to perfect. I just want this to all end so I can actually get on with my life. I thought I was making prosess but then this set me back now. I don't know. I think I am just going to go to his house and tell him to stay out of my life and leave me alone. I just want everything to okay. I love Rob. More than I ever thought that I could love someone. He makes me happy. He makes me smile. I have always wanted a guy that makes me smile and laugh and just feel good about myself. There's a lot more things but Rob has it. I love him. And with this shit, I just don't want this to fuck up anything. I just want to move on with my life. I don't want Rob to be like, I can't put up with this and him to leave me. I would honestly murder Rich. Hopefully next time I write in here everything will be fixed. :/ Current Mood: confused

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November 12th, 2004

08:13 am - Well... Lately, I have been kind of busy. I have been hanging out with Rob. Rich and I broke up about 2 weeks ago. He hasn't been handling it very well, but I think he is getting better. He said that he went and met a girl. I believe him, but then I don't. I don't know. I just dont want him to be alone. He really can't handle that much. But, after awhile he will be fine. We spent 2 years together. You know, I miss him sometimes, he was always there, and I feel like mean not being there when he needs me. But I just feel that it's better that we aren't together. I am really happy now. I just hope he is okay. :) Rob and I are going together now. We are both dealing with ex's. But he makes me really happy. Feel special. I don't know. He said some things last night and it really made me feel good. I don't know. I would have never seen us together....weeks ago, it was a crush, he didn't know that I liked him, but now we are together and I have never felt this way before. I have seen him everyday, but now 2 days for about a week and half. I usually get sick of seeing someone after that long, but I just can;t get enough of him, I don't know what it is....he might be getting sick of seeing me, maybe. I don't know. He says that he isn't, but just have to live things out and see where it takes me. I really like him a lot. He's just so great. So sweet, nice, I don't know. He makes me laugh and smile a whole bunch....I just hope that everything works good between the two of us:) Current Mood: Miss Rob Current Music: Bob Fosse movie

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October 2nd, 2004

12:27 pm - God damn it This job is really pissing me off....people were bitching becaquse i am on lunch right now....This kid was like Shari didn't you come in first....she was like yeah but oh well......i was like god shut up. that pisses me off...then they are talking shit about me right in front of me, she has been working here for 3 weeks and she still doesn't know the main plu's...I was like fuck you! Grrrrrr fuck this job, but it pays me $8 an hour so i have to keep it!Well... i need to go back to work right now Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: Fairly Odd Parents

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July 11th, 2004

03:28 am - Okay, John has blown me off for 2 nights now. If he didn't want to fucking hang out with me again, he could have just fucking told me. That shit really pisses me off. Anyway, I went to Ashbary's last night with Deanna. It was okay, they had people singing and performing. There was a chick that was singing really good. I wanted to buy one of her cd's but I only had 3$. So, but afterwards we went to Wendy's so I spent it there. :( That was my cigarette money for today, but oh well. I don't think that I can quit. It's really hard. But, I will just cut back a lot! We are supposed to go back to Ashbary't tonight to see someone. This singer. He was going to play at some place and some guy got sick and canceled so he is going to Ashbury's. Hopefully we go. But yea, I really love Rich. I applied, still have to turn it in, for being a filer at Elmhurst Park district. Hopefully I get it. That is what I want. That would be awesome. I am having a garage sale at my house this Saturday. I need money for my credit card and for isurance and gas money. So hopefully I make about 75$ That would be really good. I still have to go up to the attic to see if I have anything up there to sell. Anyone that reads this and has some stuff to donate to me, that would be really nice!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) But anyway, I am going to go because I want to play Roller Coaster Tycoon. I love you Rich so much!! *Kisses* Current Mood: cold Current Music: TimeLine

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July 4th, 2004

05:18 pm Happy fucking 4th everyone!!! YEAH!!! ALCohol is good!!!! Current Mood: drunk

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June 19th, 2004

01:11 am - Best 2 days of my life, were yesterday and today. Well today, all I did was sleep, but still it was next to Rich. For about 6 hours. But still...:) Yesterday was great. I spent the night at his mom's house 2 nights. My parents were out of town. We just had the greatest days. I can't believe it. No arguing, well we fist fought maybe don't really remember, but we where just joking around. Then last night his step brother offered to buy us alcohol so I got a little buzzed. I wanted to go swimming, but it was raining and too cold out. Rich got me a watch. He went to Dave and Busters for Bob's birthday and Rich got a watch from this claw thing. It's really pretty. Thank you sweetie. **kisses** Anyway, today I have to go to my cousin Julia's birthday party. It should be pretty fun. Maybe. I don't know. I have to pick up my cousin from work at like 6. I lost 7 pounds and still losing. You can really see it in my face and my stomach. YaY!! But yea, today is my day to eat what I want. I had biscuts and gravy and hash browns for breakfast. And going to a party tonight, but I just don't feel like eating anymore. Haven't for a while. But, the weight is going off. Angela and some others in the family are getting a membership to a gym next week so, I hope to be going to the gym every morning before work. I still have to get a holdof this Emily chick about this job. I called her yesterday and she never called me back. But yea I have to go. I love you Rich. Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: Happy voices in my head

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June 18th, 2004

01:03 am Ahhhh, this shit is really fucking funny. Go away stop posting.. This is my journal, I post ever time i want to. You don't like it, stop reading it. I don't give a shit about your joural. Just don't read mine. And I know if I made another one you would do what you did for Megan, spend hours of your useless live looking for me. restraning (learn to spell) I guess that's what I learn going 12 years in school. Not 11.... If I scared you then that's your own damn problem for starting first.. I started first, um, no, This is what..... metallica_babe5 2004-06-15 10:21 (link) I call obsession.. You and your fat ass.. Your going to sit there and say you don't flaunt your fat??? Your new bathing suit?? That ugly pink skirt thingy?? THat nasty black tank top?? Let's see.. I could go on forever.. At least the clothes I wear Fit Me an don't leave little red marks from wishful thinking.... I know im not the skinnies person to live but you know what... I am a hell of alot smaller then you...When you tried to hook me up with Jason and you said I had the same body size as you.. he said he was exspecting a lard ass to walk in the door..lol... don't you feel dunmb???.. Wait you only have 12 years of schooling and you think thats enough.... Good Job...You'll be working in a school cafateria for the rest of your life..... you'll have a link card in no time at all... And it feels good to know your own boyfrined calls you fat.. How does that make you feel???One more thing... You're An Asshole and I can't stand the fact that I used to call you my bestfriend...Now there's some EMBARRESMENT!!!!!!!! -Cara I believe you started this shit. You weren't nice to me, I didn't give you your ugly bathing suit top back. You started to cry and bitch about it, I give it back, you still cry and bitch. I can write what ever the fuck I want in my journal. And even if it doesn't involve you, you will still always have something to say. I don't like you Cara, I never really wanted to be your friend again, but Sharlyn pissed me off and you were the only other personto talk to. You are annyoing, I can't stand you. I used you. You were so pathetic and desperet for a damn friend and since I wasn't friends with Sharlyn anymore there was your dumb ass. Oh Rachel, I missed you. Your such a great friend. Your like my sister. You know what I heard, blah blah blah blah blah blah. Your such a moron that you actually thought that I liked hanging out with you. God no, You are the most boring person in the world. I ony called you because I was bored at my house and I just wanted to get out. You are boring. your a two faced bitch and i can understand why Megan doesn't want to be your friend anymore. I can see why Rick told me what he did. LOL I 'laugh out loud' because your so pathetic. Oh man, so yes I am going to continue posting in my journal. And if you don't like it, well the too bad. Because I am not making you read it. Your that pathetic, ohhh what's the fat bitch saying about me now. You have nothing on me Cara, You have that I'm fat, I have a loser boyfriend, and I am not going to make it in life. So just stop because it all repitive to me. So, you can post all the stupid shit in your journal, beacuse I don't have the time to read your journal, but you go out of your way to read mine. So just get over it. I will do what I want in my personal journal and you can do what you want. I am done with your know. And tell you little friend. Oh wait she is reading it. lol Current Mood: amused Current Music: My boyfriend

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June 17th, 2004

12:17 pm - Ding Dong, the bitch is gone! Hopefully, god only know what so will repeat to me again. All she's got is, your fat, you have no friends, and your boyfriend is a loser. Uh, it was more fun not being her friend, but she is getting really boring now. Oh yesterday, lol she came over to get her shit and she looked like a chicken feeding. 'Cause she was looking for the $5 on the ground. LOL.....that was amusing. Oh Oh and when she yelling at me on the phone. You can't understand a word that bitch was saying. Ah, it was so funny. But oh well, one less bitch to worry about. And if she does fuck with me, I will have a restaining order put on her.Plain and simple. LOL...she is on probabtion right now and if she fucks with me, she will get in a WHOLE LOTTA trouble. LOL.... OHHHHHH yesterday, she called me after she was a chicken and she told me that there was a police officer wanting to talk to me. I was thinking, wow, why would a police officer that wanted to talk to me...go to her house? Uh, no. I don't think so. Cara, since you are reading this right now, you are really fucking dumb. Maybe you DO NEED more than 11 years that you went to high school. For me, I have a great job as a biller. Full time, $9 hour. And Cara, sitting at home, running around for her boyfriend, and she yells at Rich because he doesn't have a car, Rick I have nothing wrong with you, you are really cool, but, your making a mistake with Cara, she is a psyco, I mean she punched her ex-boyfriend in the eye and had to go to jail. Don't piss her off, she might do the same to you. LOL I am so happy right now, I can't stop smiling. Thank you Cara, the only time you were a true friend is yesterday, getting out of my life. So have a great life in the retail business, in a mall for that matter. LOL you got nothing Cara, you are going to be working for 6-7$ an hr for the rest of your life. And it is really pathetic. LOL Funny, very funny but pathetic. Current Mood: amused

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June 15th, 2004

07:17 am Yea, I got a job interview tomorrow. This one place in Lombard. From what the lady said, it is basiclly billing. The people that get injuried on the job, their insurance, bills and legal paper work comes to that office and I would just have to mail, organize, and file the paper work. It pays $9.00 an hour. Angela's aunt Anneta works in the same company but just in an office in Naperville. So hopefully I get this job. That would be awesome. I am get my own car and get Rich a damn job. I would drive him. I don't care. As long as he gets a job!!! I miss him a lot. He is Bob's house right now. Angela, he friend Dave, and I went to his mom's house to swim yesterday. It was a lot of fun. Angela said that it is freezing, but it was like 82 degrees. But yea. I love Rich a lot. I am sleeping at his mom's house Friday night. My parents are going away Thurday, Friday, and coming back Saturday afternoon. This whole thing between Cara and I is just getting really boring. She keeps talking and trying to insult me, and she thinks it's working. But, yet again, she is misled. I know what I am and I know what I am not. So if she is supposed to be 'so mature and grown up' then why is she continueing to bitch and make fun of me if she is 20 years old and sooo mature. I just don't give a shit anymore. I am done acting like a fucking 2nd grader. I have a lot to do in my life and I am not going to sit here and spend it wasted on her. So go ahead Cara, make fun of me, but you are going to have a very boring life since you are sitting there making fun of me, oh your fat, your unintelligant, your boyfriend is a loser. I mean come on. LOL Do you really think that it hurts me? LOL. It makes me laugh. I have know you for 12 years now and there are many things you have proven to me and I am not even going to bring them up. Just maybe you should sit there and think, how far you are going to get in life if all you do is call people fat and stuff. I am surprised you haven't called me a poo poo head. Or told on me because I looked at you or something a elementry CHILD would say. It's just done. I don't want to be your frined and it's really not a big loose. It really isn't. Unlike you, I don't need attention from everyone everyday and every second. So, have a nice life, and please, just grow up. It's pathetic. Anyway, back to what's important. Me!!! lol I asked my mom if I could go to the mall like 2 hours ago and she sits there and yells at me because 'Oh you are using all my gas.' Question, why do people get cars? Why do people pay for gas? For it to be used. So they can get places. Not for it to sit there which is worse for a car. A couple years ago, my mom bought The oreo o's cereal and my brother and I ate it. The next week my brother asked if she could buy more. You know what my mom said. Why buy it if you are just going to eat it. What the fuck? That is why you buy food. So you can eat it. Little things like that piss me off. My mom is so out there that it sometimes scares me. LOL but yea last night Angela came over and got drunk. We went up to White Hen on Villa and as we were leaving, she was like on look the sign is on fire. I was like what. There is an auto body place next to the White Hen on Villa and their sign was on fire. We turn around and tell the lady in White Hen and she was like oh thank you. Now leave. I was like what? I want to see them put it out. She was like shooing me away. I was like fuck you and left. But yea, I have to go and do dishes and finish my laundry. I love you, Rich! Current Mood: cranky Current Music: Moulin Rouge-Diamonds are a girls bestfriend* movie*

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June 13th, 2004

09:38 am - You know what I hate, ..people that think that they do no wrong. That they are god sent. LOL I know someone. HintHint!! LOL I hate how people think that they are something, and turn out to be a complete loser. They think that they are soo cool, and dress great even tho they are really fucking fat and it is imbarrasing to everyone around them. I am fat, I know, i dont flaunt it off. I hate how people need to cling to others to make them selfs look important. Also those that act like they are soo fucking intelligant and they talk like they know all these big words and actually, it makes no sence at all. Those who think that if they go back to school, that they are going to succeed in life. I am intelligant and I only went 12 years at school. Also those who spend all they time with their boyfriend and not let them see their friends, family or anyone. That is what we call obsession ladies and gentlemen. I love Rich so much. He is the greatest thing in the world that has ever happen to me. No friend could understand me more than he does. He is the greatest thing in the world. Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: The Others

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June 10th, 2004

12:01 pm I don't always know what I am doing. I really shouldn't say always, I never know what I am doing, but I always seem to fuck everything up. I have this boyfriend that changes the way he acts everyday. As do I, but he could also change it within 5 minutes. I called him tonight and bitched at him because of something stupid. But to be blunt, I am PMSing right now and cry and bitch about everything. I just wish that he would understand how much I have done for him, given him, and stood by him through this relationship and wish that I could push a button and have him make up for one specific time. I just wish that I could get something in return. A couple more 'I love you's' with out me saying it first. More kisses with out me doing them first. More hugs. More everything. I feel like I am acting as both people in a relationship. I do so much for Rich(buy him almost everything he wants, give him what he needs, care about him with all my heart and so much more) and I know what you are saying, then just stop. But you know what, I can't. I am just hoping that one day he will realize what I do for him and get something in return. The quote,Giving is better than receiving, is full of shit, I give and give, not just to Rich, my family too, and I want something in return now. Damn it! Like I said I give Rich almost everything that he wants, yes he gives me little things, that he steals, but I just want a better relationship. Yes, it would help better if I changed too, but I tryed, and nothing happen. He didn't change. I just want a guy to flower me with love. Just one day, treat me like there is nothing else in the world more important that that 1 second that we kiss. That when he see's me the world stops and it is just me and him. One day to just treat me like a Princess. Just to feel what he is feeling for me inside. Feel the love, the warmth and support just in a single hug. I do a lot for the one that I love, I just hope one day he will realize it again how much I mean to him. He did once before last year, and he realize that he just wanted to be with me because he loves me, I want that day again. To be able to get those butterflies that I used to get when I am getting near his house and when he kisses me softly and meaninful. I want to be able to smile again. A lot of people would say break up with him. But that isn't even near the answer. He is sweet and romantic, he just doesn't show it all the time. I know I am not the greatest thing in the world. Not the nicest person to be around all the time, but I am a lot of the time. I always try so hard to make the best of things. But, right now my life is really sinking into the ground and I just need something to enlighten my days. I might be asking for too much, but you know what, I don't care. I don't expect this to even happen. It's just something that would be really really nice to have. That's why this is my journal, so I can write what I want and need. If you think I am stupid and greedy, well then just don't read this. I love you Rich. I really do. I am in love with you. Nothing or no one can ever change that. Current Mood: bitchy Current Music: The sound of the rain

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May 29th, 2004

10:29 pm Start looking for a sensible, slow diet. Choose one that recommends less fat but more starchy carbohydrates. Follow it carefully for 3 months. Lose at least 25 pounds (more if you are 170 pounds+) Because weight loss is slow but steady, your eating habits will change which means you don't regain the weight you've lost. If necessary, stay on it for 12 months and lose 100 pounds. You never have to 'diet' again because you are eating so well. Do you think I can do it? I hope so. I just want to loose weight and have the willpower. I want to loose 50 lbs. I want to have a nice body. Don't get me wrong, I have a really sexy ass fucking body; it's just covered over by fat. I want to be able to get undressed infront of Rich and look fucking great! He says that he loves me just the way that I am, but I am not happy with myself. I NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT and this is what I am going to do. (first thing in my joural) I want to look good for Rich; and for myself. My weight is just getting out of control. I am really emotional right now. I just wish I could sit and type everything I am thinking. But I can't find the words. I miss Rich. EVANESCENCE LYRICS "My Immortal" I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase [Chorus:] When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me You used to captivate me By your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase [Chorus] I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along [Chorus] Current Mood: sad Current Music: EVANESCENCE

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May 26th, 2004

01:15 am - Nothing really has happen to me.... I have been just going with the flow. Seeing Rich, hanging out with Cara, I went to a concert Saturday night. I wasn't that good. Me and Cara mud wrestled. It rained really fucking hard, I was freezing and dirty. Besides that. nothing really. I got an application from a temp. agency to hopefully get me a job. After June 4 I am unemployed. :( No more money $$$ Nope(shrugs shoulders)But, that's okay. Today is my brothers birthday. He is turning 23. My grandma is coming back into town tonight too. Cara wanted to do something. Probably nothing tho. Sit at her house. I have to clean my room, put my laundry away, and dust my room. I have to do something about this computer. The screen on the edges is pink and green. Like there is a magnet pulling the sides. It is making me mad. Especially when I am playing sims and I see a red long couch. It is actually green. Lime Green. Grrr it makes me mad. I don't know. Rich and I have been good. We argue here and there, but we are good. I really love him. I don't know what has been wrong with me lately tho. I have been really really bitchy towards him. I have no idear why either. I hope it's just a faze I am going through and it will end soon. I don't mean to be a bitch to him, I do. Just the whole attitude and not giving him all the attention I usually do. When I saw him yesterday I didn't run up to him like I ususally do. I just gave him a hug. I was really happy to see him and all, but it just didn't come out that way. Oh well, hope it gets better. Current Mood: restless

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May 19th, 2004

10:00 am - As I sit here.... ....I look at the ground, nothing but ants, and I look at my shoes. I take a drag of my cigarette, I hear the tearing of his heart. I have once again hurt the one that I love. Nothing but hurt and saddness is going through my head and I don't want to know what is going through his. The flames dye down on my cigarette and I look into his eyes and see those flames have moved. I have hurt him. I love him and I hurt him. My heart says love; my head says he's going to hurt you. I love him. I do. He loves me. More and more everyday. We have so much together and I fuck it all the time. I just try really hard not to. I do, I promise. I want that fantasy relationship with Richard. I just love him. Current Mood: sad Current Music: The Simpsons

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